Look Out for the Raider Haters...

Captain Jack Rack 'em Levy – Jul 20, 2012

Yeah, it’s getting to be that time of year… it’s past the Fourth of July aka Al’s Birthday Celebration, and it’s getting to turn into the HOT times where we’re all looking to head out to some beach, lake, or other water spot to keep cool. 

We’ve had the ‘Summer Spectacular’ of baseball … No, not the Major League Baseball All-Star Game, but hearing Chris Berman incessantly yelling “Baaack, Baaaaaaaack, Baaaaaaaaaaack… GOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!” Yeah Berman, we get it, it was a spectacularly loooooooooong home-run.  GET A NEW TAG LINE, or just keep it to one call a batter… serrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriously. 

We’re even starting to count down the days until school is back in again, although the count is a bit different depending on the ‘counter’ – parents relish when they can FINALLY get the brats… errrrrrr… ‘Angelic cherubs’ … back into school, while kids (and teachers, too!!) dread each day that goes by as being ‘that much closer’ to the start of the school year…

Yeah, it’s getting to be THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. 

For those that are expecting me to say, ‘It’s RAIDER SEASON!! Time for Training Camp!!’ … You’re right… but you’re WRONG TOO!!

No Raider Nation, what I was really talking about … and you truly can smell it in the air… is the burning, wheels-grinding, tight-jawed, rabid-saliva-inducing teeth-clenched anticipation of RAIDER HATING Media Fools everywhere readying their hackneyed and trite vitriol that is saved up for just this occasion. 

And in this age of the computer and satellite television, it has grown exponentially beyond the newsprint ass-clowns (Glenn Dickey, Ray Ratto, et al.) to the truly witless and clueless – starting at my favorite (NOT!!) network, BSPN in Connecticut (is that really a state anyway, or just a ‘burb of New York?)

Not to be outdone by anyone, BSPN gets their hatred out via all sources – TV, Radio, Internet (and I’m sure through smoke-signals to those living beyond the third world…) – making sure that the viewing public gets their brand of Raider-Hatred spew 24/7/210 - I only say for seven months (to include the season and NFL Draft) as it takes them the other five months to get their collective bile worked into a frenzy for each upcoming football season…

… And guess what time of year it is NOW!! You’ve guessed it!! It’s RAIDER-HATING TIME!!

BSPN (the Worldwide Leader in Silver and Black Defamation) is by far the frontrunner, employing such noted fecal-spewing advocates as Tom Jackson and Mark Schlereth (Broncos), Chris Carter (Vikings/ Eagles),  Ron Jaworski (Eagles – How’s that 27-10 Super Bowl loss still feeling after 30+ years Jaws?), ‘Meshawn’ Johnson (Jets/Bucs) and Trent Dilfer (Bucs/Ravens).  I have stated that Berman (he of Bills/Niners fandom) is a hater, but have been told that I’m ‘reading too much into his act.’ I’ll stick by my guns however…

On the radio side, it is painfully obvious that Colon Cowturd (SIC) – COLON for body part where fecal matter is consolidated, with COWTURD being the ultimate byproduct – although in Cowturd’s ... errrrr... Cowherd's case, his obnoxious gaseous and solid methane deposits spew orally vice anally; how his mother and wife kisses that mouth I’ll never understand. 

By the way, the perfect middle name for COWTURD would undoubtedly be HEMORRHOID due to the ‘Ass Pain’ our Raiders laid on his Seachickens the majority of years playing each other head-to-head…

On the BSPN ‘Net side and adding ‘insult to insult’ I give you Bill Williamson, whose job as the 'AFC West Reporter’ seems more attuned to how he can disrespect the Silver and Black without being too blatantly obvious about his skew on the division…

It’s been stated through another recent piece here at RaiderNationTimes that on the BSPN ‘Talking Head’ application, the box “RAIDER HATER” is a required check, otherwise your app gets ‘circular filed’ – I’d say there probably is some thread of truth there…

For those that weren’t fortunate enough to become a ‘Bristol Basher,’ there are opportunities elsewhere, or how else would you explain the plethora of Haters that find themselves on TV for pre-game shows or broadcasts. This listing includes:

NFL Network’s Warren Sapp (Bucs– ‘cuz he certainly isn’t a RAIDER, if you had the chance to read my article on the worthless non-paying-child-support scum that he truly is) and Cris Collinsworth (Bengals – and the ONLY Gator this UF alum wholly despises, although it appears he never GRADUATED from Florida, but I digress) come to mind…

NBC has the exceptionally twisted and vengeful Al Michaels, who took the Marcus Allen/Al Davis feud to national TV heights in the early ‘90’s before Marcus bolted for Kansas City just to spite the maverick owner.  They also employ a possible ‘closet case’ in Bob Costas, based on his less than complementary talking piece following the death of the Raiders’ owner last year. 

Costas’ diatribe was puzzling to say the least, as at least Michaels was smart enough to not say a WORD during that Sunday night broadcast, as the entire English speaking audience (and those who don’t speak English, too!) know how much hatred Al Michaels has/had for both the Raiders in general and Al Davis in particular.  I think Michaels acknowledged Costas’ piece, made a quick segue statement to a commercial, and didn’t remark further. Costas however definitely ruffled a lot of feathers in Raider Nation…

CBS’ Dan ‘I Still Have No Super Bowl Rings’ Marino (Dolphins), Phil Simms (Giants), Shannon Sharpe (Broncos), Randy Cross (49ers), and undoubtedly the BIGGEST Hater – non-Super Bowl winning and Why the hell is he in the Hall of Fame over Stabler and Plunkett? – Dan Fouts (Chargers).   

While I’m on CBS broadcasters, I’ll give you another ‘closet hater’ in Dick Enberg, who works the San Diego market in baseball season for the Padres, and who usually makes some ‘smug’ remarks during his broadcasts of Raiders’ games (beyond the “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!)  In fact, undoubtedly the WORST Raiders VS Chargers broadcast you’ll EVER see would be a booth of Enberg and Fouts, with San Diego native Mike Carey being the referee. 

Don’t laugh… if I remember correctly, that was the trio during the Vincent Jackson ‘forward spike’ game a few years ago (November 2006), although I cannot say that to a 100% certainty.  I CAN SAY that Carey was indeed the official who took great glee in overturning the ‘fumble’ call (sound familiar Raider fans??) that ultimately led to another Raider loss to the Bolts during the ignominious losing streak. 

Well, there you have it Raider Nation; a pseudo-comprehensive list of Raider Haters you need to keep an eye (or ear) out for during any Raiders’ pre-game or broadcast you’ll be watching… errrrr… having to endure.  Trust me - if/when I can ever get my DVR to synch with my internet (listening in to a Greg Papa broadcast) I will take that every day of week, year and decade!! – Although in my current locale, I’ll take VIEWING a Raider broadcast as a victory…

If I missed any acknowledged haters, please be sure to add them to the comments listing below. 

After all, we can’t be lucky enough to have Howie Long, John Madden or J.T. The Brick dispel and deflect the garbage coming out of the mouths of their broadcast cronies all the time… so we’ll just have to do it ourselves via comments to these knuckle-dragging ‘Ass Clowns’ (yes, I like that term) when we can.