Oakland Raiders – No Mo’ Excuses!!
Captain Jack Rack Levy – Jan 7, 2014
Wow, it’s getting downright Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugly here on the decks of the Galleon; you’d think a wondering Donkey, Bolt or Cheat had crossed the quarterdeck, flipped off the ensign AND the officer of the deck, then turned ‘round and dropped trou’ exposing his lily-white girly-man butt-cheeks.
But NO… this commotion is caused by Raider Nation crew and mates themselves, as the Captain is close to dialing up over the 1MC for the Masters-at-Arms to come to the quarterdeck with side arms (and a cutlass or two) in tow to repel boarders… our own boarders? Imagine that…
Since ‘Black Monday’ has come and gone with nary an announcement found suitable to any party of the crew… other than a ‘soft’ curt and planted to the wires statement that owner Mark Davis – aka the HMFIC – (if you have to ask… God help you) will meet with one Reggie McKenzie (current General Manager) and Dennis Allen (Head Coach with trepidation) in a meeting this week to discuss ‘the future of the franchise.’
Really? C’mon maaaaaaaaan… the future’s so bright we gotta wear shades I believe the song goes. And within reason, I agree with the context.
Unfortunately, this meeting is either premature or overdue, depending on what Watch Bill you’re currently under, so for the less salty, let’s call it something nautical which indeed IS easy to remember… Port and Starboard.
(For those true salts who remember when it was Larboard and Starboard and the difficulties that caused mariners, bonus points to you Sailors!!)
The Port Side Watch (or the ‘leftists’ so to speak) are of a mind that Dennis Allen and his entire staff should be made to Walk the Plank immediately… but only AFTER we sail into the largest Great White Shark-infested waters replete with additional Portuguese Man-o-war, moray eels, poisonous Indian Ocean sea-snakes and non-shark-eating-but-human-loving piranha to boot (hey, it’s their vision, right?)
The hardest of the hard-core Portsiders wish to have one Reginald McKenzie in irons added to the ‘long walk off a short plank’ party just to add to the fun, but most of their gang just has him on ‘standby’ at the moment...
Countering them are members of the Starboard Side Watch, calling for calm amidst the dissension of the crew, pleading to steer the true course set by McKenzie, Allen and staff once given the underweigh orders by Davis to traverse the thunderous, pitching waves with gale-force winds to overcome until winding up in the calm, cool waters of the South Seas… with treasure, drinks and gluttonous fare with shore leave with bountiful wenches for our mates and rippling natives for our wenches of course, too; other combinations will be left to the imagination for now…
Yet the aforementioned ugliness and steely-eyed looks cast upon members of the opposite watch have greatly divided the crew here, and the Captain needs to quell some of the unrest. But what should one do? Obviously we need all of the crew, mates and wenches, to work together in the sailing, shoring, rigging and steering of the great quartermaster’s wheel on the bridge… else we’ll be adrift as the battle rages on and the Galleon limps semi-idly amongst the trade winds.
Take it from the Captain… not a good state for the crew.
Something needs to be done, and done soon else the mutiny talk at the scuttlebutt will not only grow stronger, but may indeed bring rabble-rousers to stir out of their racks in the middle of the night in an attempt to take over.. I mean after all, THEY are RIGHT… right? But who in this scenario is the ‘Right They’? That indeed remains the question.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, although I indeed am Captain of the Galleon, my leaning in thought and deed support those manning the Starboard Watch. If you need to listen to the past few radio shows of Dr. Death to bare this as witness, go right ahead.
Calm… steady as she goes helmsman as the wind has picked up a bit, and it certainly didn’t help when all three of our hated foes amongst these waters have salvaged their ships to win a spot in the ultimate spoils contest as we, yet again, make repairs amongst the rigging… deck… and freeboard from battles fought this year. Yes, it has indeed been a long time since the ‘Grand Old Days of 2002…nay January 1983’ hasn’t it?
Yet still… indeed I too have come to the same caveat which has burned in the words of many here onboard our ship… We say it loudly, with great force and bearing – “No More Excuses!”
This mantra can be agreed on by both watches, as no matter what happens within the next month… or two… should Allen and staff be brought back in toto or if the gang is parsed and separated – with a meeting with Mark Davis scheduled to finally take place on 7 January (a few hours from now relatively) – the cloud will definitely be dark… and the air will indeed be heavy for Allen and staff.
Pending results of said meeting – and for folks who think D.A. and staff are indeed safe since they’ve lasted this long after the season ended… I’ll remind you Mike Munchak was fired in Tennessee after it was thought he was safe. Munchak will most likely land softly as Head Coach at Linebacker U aka Penn State, his alma mater, but seeing Texas A&M is currently manned by Kevin Sumlin, Dennis Allen’s parachute isn’t ready, has been packed nor has been inspected by the riggers. Ultimately we’ll see.
One thing I can honestly say is no matter what, losing Tony Sporano in any shape or capacity will hurt with the growth of this team. He has done a commendable job and performed yeoman’s labor despite injuries and other wrenches thrown his way, so I certainly hope he stays no matter what. I can also say the same for Bobby April as Special Teams coach, too.
As for anyone else… first off besides the two coordinators in Olson and Tarver, can you honestly name any of the assistants? Without looking them up on Raiders.com? I rest my case.
There are quite a few capable assistants out there presently seeking employment having been fired from their ‘NFL Day Job’ the past week or so. Wade Phillips anyone? Don’t like him, ‘eh? How about an assistant from a playoff team no longer needed for game planning this week… Mike Zimmer anyone? Or GRUDEN… yeah Gruden is available. Nope, not Jon but brother Jay.
The Raiders DO have options… but we’ll have to probably wait about 12-18 hours or so (depending on when I get this out to readers…) to find out.
So, whomever is at the helm of the Raiders’ sideline come August 2014… with his new crew of draftees, free agents and returning Shipmates… no matter who is calling the formations, the blitzes, the stunt packages, the fake punts, the play-action passes, or the amount of Gatorade in their coffers… RESULTS will be expected.
The numbers of wins anticipated and/or expected are a bit dicey depending on who you listen to, but I can guarantee you if the wayward (not Hayward) Pirates come out stinking up the place like a fisherman’s market after two days of inactivity in the Caribbean heat… heads WILL roll!! We’ll see firings and plank walking akin to Shanahan and Kiffin four games into a season, and it will be expected.
No Mo’ Excuses!!
We have at least 60Million in Cap Space and won’t be carrying an albatross of nearly that number in dead money for next year’s coffers, so go out and spend… WISELY mind you Mr. McKenzie… or indeed those shackles and constraints you’ve been working under will just amount to a ‘dead weight added’ on your trip off said plank.
No Mo’ Excuses!!
Until then… and talk of the NFL Draft, free agency and other things monumental heats up… I’ll leave you, dear reader of all things Silver and Black… and even Raider grey… with this final thought:
After nearly 49years of drawing breath here on earth, and over 42 of those years being a fan of the Pirates of the California Bay (with a few years down south in LaLa Land for a diversion) the Captain can proudly call himself an Oakland Raiders’ season ticket holder!!
Yep, two seats in section 121… row 11… so if you find a loud, boisterous Pirate thundering up and down the stairs trying to strike up some noise for our defense while ‘shushing’ the crowd when we’re on offense in Oakland, take a look… it’s probably me in the flesh after having escaped a two year banishment from the mainland into the Caribbean waters and sandy deserts of the region (yes, you read that correctly).
I'll see you relatively soon, but in the meantime I leave you with my ever present booming “YAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!! Raider Nation!!”
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