No Need to Pass the Cologne Here…

Captain Jack Rack Levy – Sep 7, 2014

Hello again Raider Nation!!  Captain Jack is BAAAAAACK from his two-year overseas deployment to the Caribbean and is thankfully eating real food… i.e. stuff your cardiologist would be quite upset if I was to name here… and driving at speeds greater than 25mph… legally anyway… although getting a $250 speeding ticket in a defacto ‘Florida hick town speed trap’ doesn’t sit well with me…

But enough about me… how ‘bout them Raiders!!  Wasn’t that an impressive win against the Super Bowl Champs to start the 2014 season on a winning note??  Been a loooooong time to start the season 1-0!! In fact… errrrrrrrrrrrr…

Seems I got a little ‘star struck’ from Derek Carr’s performance last week which rightly garnered him the starting quarterback spot in our revamped offense… which is sure to be a juggernaut this year!! 

Yes, I’ll immediately schedule myself for a urinalysis, as even I can’t write that with a straight face (or for that matter, without feigning any sarcasm… hell, y’all know who’ve read my columns these years the Captain is anything BUT sarcastic…)

Pardon me… lost my train of thought there, as I had to take a quick respite for some dinner.  What I CAN say unequivocally are two beliefs, both concerning Greg Olson, the purported Offensive Coordinator of the Oakland Raiders – a quick aside here, he is doing his job as the Raiders’ offense is most definitely OFFENSIVE to those of us cheering the Silver and Black on:

  1. Based on today’s showings, Olson will most definitely keep the Captain smelling clean and fresh this year, which will be refreshing to those non-Raiders fans that I’ll mix and mingle with every game day this year… but not a good thing for those of us cheering on the Raiders – I’ll explain more later of course. 

  2. A trained professional in the medical field needs to check Olson for narcolepsy, as the Raiders’ play calling appeared most definitely to be sleep-walking through the playbook after the Raiders’ touchdown drive of the first quarter – thanks to a timely interception by stalwart long-toothed defensive professional Charles Woodson… and it didn’t appear he (Olson) awoke until the last scoring drive in the game. 

How in the H E double hockey sticks can an offense look semi-professional in the pre-season, exhibiting a ‘down the field passing game’ – which the Jets defense was BEGGING to be exploited by today by the way – to an offense which could NOT throw the ball two-yards beyond the line of scrimmage?  How many ‘swing passes’ or defacto wide receiver bubble screens (minus the bubble) did you see today?  Seems to me it’s ALL I saw today in the passing game until the last drive of the fourth quarter against an apparent semi-prevent defense.  

REEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLY Greg?  Is that the best you can come up with against a stout Jets front seven?  Sure, let’s repeatedly bang our running backs against a resolute near impenetrable line/linebacker crew… did you learn that trick by repeatedly banging your head against the wall, too?  Or maybe it was Olson who suffered a non-disclosed concussion a few weeks back which has led to this apparent narcoleptic condition we saw today.   

Something better change right quick, as the Captain himself has laid out some large pirate pieces-of-eight a few months back when he was still employed overseas for trips out to Oakland for the season opener against the Texans… and a trip to London to see our Raiders play in Wembley against some turquoise fish (yeah I know they’re mammals…sheeeeeeeeeeesh). 

… Not to mention the Captain is a season ticket holder for the first time EVER… and you can figure the two seats behind the Raider bench (Section 121 Row 11) cost a pretty penny as well.  Nope, this fecal matter better stop and stop NOW or this will indeed be a looooooooooooooong season for Raider fans…

… Although I can’t say the same for Olson, Tarver and probably Allen, who can watch reruns of ‘The Green Mile’ to get a feel of what it’s like to take that last, quiet walk to chair.  Better hope the ‘better and more qualified’ guards place the wet sponge on the head gents… otherwise there will truly be a ghastly burnt-flesh smell causing second-reaction retching from those unaccustomed to the vapors…

Yeah, that’s nasty… but it’s forthcoming.  Gotta feel sorry for young Derek Carr, who Greg Olson severely hamstrung by not allowing him to throw any meaningful passes until the outcome was pretty much decided.  Carr was 20 of 32 for 151yards and two touchdowns… but much of those yards were on the Raiders two scoring drives (early and late) with pretty much nothing in between. 

Blame Olson, who must’ve thought the pre-season was FIVE games this year and refused to show a ‘real offense’ in this game… preferring to open up the playbook for the home opener next week (at least one can hope). 

Now, why does Olson’s reticence to throw downfield lead the Captain in smelling nice this year?  It all comes down to superstition really… and quite simple. 

Captain Jack has a rule for Raiders’ wins during the year when he is NOT wearing full Pirate garb at a game… in whatever I’m wearing at the sports bar with my club – the Florida Bay Area Raider Boosters – gets taken off… head to toe… hat, shirt, shorts, underwear, socks, necklaces, shoes, etc. etc… and laid aside for the following week, since any erudite individual knows it was what I was wearing which directly was the causal affect to the Raiders’ win that day. 

Soooooooooooo… Raiders’ win and the Captain strips down to his peg-leg to wear the same attire the next week.  The Raiders… if they lose… well the Captain takes said clothes, hat, and personal accompanying accoutrements and deposits them in the hamper, watch case and/or hat collection for another day. 

And the way things are going, this Pirate will NEVER have to resort to any overpowering use of Axe spray, Calvin Klein cologne or any other nasal-enabling pleasantry device. 

For those pointing out that Olson did in fact lose his father this week… the Captain isn’t a cruel and heartless man by any means.  My deepest condolences go out to Olson in his loss… but by the same token, if you’re not prepared to adequately perform your job when your crew is counting on you, then by all means turn the duties over to someone who can handle the responsibilities to their utmost degree.  Complete, simple and accomplishable. 

Also, there will be those pointing out our quarterback Derek Carr is the first and only rookie to start the season opener for the Silver and Black… and I counter by saying if you’re confident enough in his ability to BE THE STARTER… then take off the kid gloves and let the young man perform… learn… and grow into his position. 

Don’t restrict him in how he can play.  Carr is not your average everyday rookie quarterback in the NFL.  He has learned through all four years of College play… in at least two diverse offenses at Fresno State… so let the kid play.  It didn’t seem to restrict him in the pre-season now, did it?  Let alone he learned through watching his brother what being ‘thrown to the wolves’ can do to him… 

In his brother’s case, it ruined him and caused him to be bounced out of the league before his time… but I don’t think the younger Carr will suffer the same fate. 

We’ll see… and hopefully I’ll see personally next week as the Captain heads out to the home season opener against the Texans… then two weeks later makes a quick jump across the pond to join ‘Crusader Raider’ and the rest of the UK Black Hole at Wembley against Miami.  Come on out and meet me, as it’s great to be stateside and cheering on our Raiders. 

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